Who here is blaming your parents for how bad your life is, or for some aspect of your personality you aren’t proud of?
Come on, you know you should raise your hand.
Most of us have done it.
Whether you were a teenager, or an adult, you may blame them because you can’t have good relationships, don’t know finances, don’t have a job, have no money, have no motivation, have no self esteem, they gave you too much love and no one compares, they beat you, they treated you badly, you are in bad health, etc etc etc.
At some point you were blaming your parents for something.
And most of you still do.
Here is a hard truth:
That’s what is keeping you behind while everyone else is getting ahead.
I know what you are thinking.
But Ashly, my childhood was awful. You don’t understand. They made me this way.
I get it!
Many of us feel our childhood was awful and we can’t get past it. So you are not alone.
Mine wasn’t all sunshine and roses either.
Blaming Your Parents Because….
Your parents may not have been pleasant people to be around. Maybe they were always screaming or angry about something.
They may have been hard to please or were never around. Maybe they fought all the time or abused you. They may have made you feel unloved unless you were winning at something.
They didn’t teach you to handle your emotions, budget money, how to eat healthy, they didn’t play with you, or maybe they obviously favored your siblings over you.
I get it. Believe me.
These kinds of things can lead to the following:
- Not being able to form healthy relationships with other people
- Social awkwardness
- A negative mindset
- No confidence in yourself
- Anxiety and depression
- Unhealthy eating habits
- Anger problems
- You don’t develop the skills you needed
- and more!
So we should blame our parents, right? They caused all this!
You can acknowledge you are the way you are because of them.
In fact, I highly encourage it.
But once you do this, you need to forgive them and move on.
Because YOU are ruining your life if you don’t, not your parents.
Here are four things you can think about that will help you to move on and forgive them.
#1 If You are Going To Blame Them, Then Blame Them for Everything
Sure, your parents weren’t perfect. Most people aren’t.
They may have contributed to the qualities you aren’t proud of. So go ahead and understand that.
But make sure you also understand this: You have good qualities too.
Even bad people have good qualities. Ted Bundy had moments where he was funny and extremely smart, so even people like him have some good qualities!
You learned from your parents. Either what to do or what not to do.
You became smarter about the world. You understand things other people have no idea about. Maybe you have a lot of good in you. You have a great work ethic. Maybe you care about other people.
They had something to do with all these things.
BOTH parents did. One parent does not shape you. You learn from both. Even if one isn’t around.
They may have screwed you up in one aspect, but they made you strong and smart as hell in another.
How did they do that?
Your parents made you work for their “generosity”? Guess what, there is a reason why you work hard and employers reward you for it. There is a reason you are able to budget your money and can support your family.
Your parent was a drug addict? Well, you can blame them for showing you how hard your life would be if you started using drugs.
Your parents loved you and sheltered you, but never taught you independence? Sure, you may have problems with stable employment and money, but you certainly feel secure in knowing someone will always be there for you, which is something a lot of people don’t have.
These are just a few examples. The point is, everything your parents did shaped you, not only in bad ways, but good too.
So make sure you blame them for the good things they did if you are going to blame them for the bad.
#2 They Did The Best They Could
I can almost see you rolling your eyes. But this is absolutely true.
Most people don’t go through child development classes, so only work with what they have seen their parents do.
In your parent’s mind, they probably feel you had a better childhood than them. It may be true.
They had zero idea of what they were doing, and their only role models were their parents, of who they probably resented for the way they raised them too.
So break the cycle.
Every generation blaming their parents is going to show your kids it’s okay to blame you for things they don’t like about themselves.
So don’t teach your kids those unhealthy habits. Show them how you handled it and were able to let go.
#3 You Are an Adult!
So you know your parents messed you up in some ways.
Instead of sitting there and saying you are the way you are, get up and do something about it!
If you want to learn to control anger, anxiety, confidence, depression, etc, read some self help books or go talk to someone!
I highly recommend the following to help you learn how to improve those areas, because these all helped me A LOT:
- Tony Robbins’ Ultimate Edge Series
- Girl, Stop Apologizing by Rachel Hollis
- Tony Robbins’ Self Improvement Books
- Article: 10 Ways to Easily Boost Your Confidence
If you don’t know about independence, read some budgeting books, like ones from Dave Ramsey. Take a class, learn from someone who does have those skills. Follow some bloggers that give tips on that kind of thing.
Wanted to take karate lessons as a kid, but they wouldn’t let you? There are tons of adult classes. There are tons of adult sports leagues if you always wanted to play a sport. Check them out!
The point is to dive in and learn more about the skills you lack.
You are an adult.
It’s time to take control of your life and learn the things you need to do to move forward.
#4 What Does Being Angry at Them Do?
Sure, you can be angry at them.
But seriously, what’s the point?
Is it going to change anything?
I guarantee being angry doesn’t make the situation better. It doesn’t make you feel better.
It’s not going to erase time and make you go back to being a kid. This isn’t a movie starring Zac Efron.
So stop being angry.
Use the other things I listed to understand your parents better.
Doing that will make you free. Free from resentment, anger, and anything you have holding you back.
You have unlimited potential to learn about the skills you feel you lack and have an amazing life.
Go Be Amazing
This is your life.
You have control.
Embrace the things your parents taught you, good and bad, because it made you the person you are today.
You have the ability to learn new skills they didn’t teach you. You have the ability to understand your parents.
So the only thing that is holding you back now is YOU.
Not your parents.
So stop blaming your parents and go be amazing.
Author’s Additional Notes:
Please note, showing gratitude or being thankful was not mentioned in this article. By using the careful wording “Blame them for the good too”, is simply looking at the bigger picture you may not have considered before in your anger. Seek to understand how they may have contributed to the good parts of your personality, or the fact you are ALIVE because they didn’t completely neglect you as a baby. It’s a practice to help you balance out the hate and anger to give YOURSELF peace and make forgiveness easier. Whether you want to show gratitude for it or not is up to you, although I do encourage it to free yourself from the negative emotions.
It’s not easy to forgive, but we must remember, forgiveness is a process and is important for US to heal and feel peace. Forgiveness is never about the person who wronged you. It’s not about condoning someone’s actions. It’s about YOU.
It’s okay to be angry, but it is not okay to live there, because you will carry it with you in every interaction you have and every relationship you try to have, even if you don’t think you do.
The first step to help most to heal is to understand the situation and look at how to move forward. This article gives the first steps to look at things from a different perspective and understand that once you are an adult, YOU can take your power back by learning the skills you lack or seeking treatment, and using your story to keep you down is not going to hurt anyone but you.