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    Why You Should Stop Blaming Your Parents

    Who here is blaming your parents for how bad your life is, or for some aspect of your personality you aren’t proud of?

    Come on, you know you should raise your hand.

    Most of us have done it.

    Whether you were a teenager, or an adult, you may blame them because you can’t have good relationships, don’t know finances, don’t have a job, have no money, have no motivation, have no self esteem, they gave you too much love and no one compares, they beat you, they treated you badly, you are in bad health, etc etc etc.

    At some point you were blaming your parents for something.

    And most of you still do.

    Here is a hard truth:

    That’s what is keeping you behind while everyone else is getting ahead.

    I know what you are thinking.

    But Ashly, my childhood was awful.  You don’t understand.  They made me this way.

    I get it!

    Many of us feel our childhood was awful and we can’t get past it.  So you are not alone.

    Mine wasn’t all sunshine and roses either.

    Blaming our parents is something a lot of us do and it holds us back. This article tells why we should stop doing it, how to forgive them, and how to let go. Whether you had a bad childhood or one toxic parent, this is how you can move on.

    Blaming Your Parents Because….

    Your parents may not have been pleasant people to be around. Maybe they were always screaming or angry about something.

    They may have been hard to please or were never around.  Maybe they fought all the time or abused you. They may have made you feel unloved unless you were winning at something.

    They didn’t teach you to handle your emotions, budget money, how to eat healthy, they didn’t play with you, or maybe they obviously favored your siblings over you.

    I get it.  Believe me.

    These kinds of things can lead to the following:

    • Not being able to form healthy relationships with other people
    • Social awkwardness
    • A negative mindset
    • No confidence in yourself
    • Anxiety and depression
    • Unhealthy eating habits
    • Anger problems
    • You don’t develop the skills you needed
    • and more!

    So we should blame our parents, right?  They caused all this!

    Sure.

    You can acknowledge you are the way you are because of them.

    In fact, I highly encourage it.

    But once you do this, you need to forgive them and move on.

    Because YOU are ruining your life if you don’t, not your parents.

    Here are four things you can think about that will help you to move on and forgive them.

     

    Blaming our parents is something a lot of us do and it holds us back. This article tells why we should stop doing it, how to forgive them, and how to let go. Whether you had a bad childhood or one toxic parent, this is how you can move on.

     

    #1  If You are Going To Blame Them, Then Blame Them for Everything

    Sure, your parents weren’t perfect.  Most people aren’t.

    They may have contributed to the qualities you aren’t proud of.  So go ahead and understand that.

    But make sure you also understand this:  You have good qualities too.

    Even bad people have good qualities. Ted Bundy had moments where he was funny and extremely smart, so even people like him have some good qualities!

    You learned from your parents.  Either what to do or what not to do.

    You became smarter about the world.  You understand things other people have no idea about.  Maybe you have a lot of good in you. You have a great work ethic. Maybe you care about other people.

    Guess what?

    They had something to do with all these things.

    BOTH parents did.  One parent does not shape you.  You learn from both. Even if one isn’t around.

    They may have screwed you up in one aspect, but they made you strong and smart as hell in another.

    How did they do that?

    Your parents made you work for their “generosity”?  Guess what, there is a reason why you work hard and employers reward you for it.  There is a reason you are able to budget your money and can support your family.

    Your parent was a drug addict?  Well, you can blame them for showing you how hard your life would be if you started using drugs.

    Your parents loved you and sheltered you, but never taught you independence?  Sure, you may have problems with stable employment and money, but you certainly feel secure in knowing someone will always be there for you, which is something a lot of people don’t have.

    These are just a few examples.  The point is, everything your parents did shaped you, not only in bad ways, but good too.

    So make sure you blame them for the good things they did if you are going to blame them for the bad.




    #2  They Did The Best They Could

    I can almost see you rolling your eyes.  But this is absolutely true.

    Most people don’t go through child development classes, so only work with what they have seen their parents do.

    In your parent’s mind, they probably feel you had a better childhood than them. It may be true.

    They had zero idea of what they were doing, and their only role models were their parents, of who they probably resented for the way they raised them too.

    So break the cycle.

    Every generation blaming their parents is going to show your kids it’s okay to blame you for things they don’t like about themselves.

    So don’t teach your kids those unhealthy habits.  Show them how you handled it and were able to let go.




    #3 You Are an Adult!

    So you know your parents messed you up in some ways.

    Instead of sitting there and saying you are the way you are, get up and do something about it!

    If you want to learn to control anger, anxiety, confidence, depression, etc, read some self help books or go talk to someone!

    I highly recommend the following to help you learn how to improve those areas, because these all helped me A LOT:

    If you don’t know about independence, read some budgeting books, like ones from Dave Ramsey.  Take a class, learn from someone who does have those skills. Follow some bloggers that give tips on that kind of thing.

    Wanted to take karate lessons as a kid, but they wouldn’t let you?  There are tons of adult classes.  There are tons of adult sports leagues if you always wanted to play a sport.  Check them out!

    The point is to dive in and learn more about the skills you lack.

    You are an adult.

    It’s time to take control of your life and learn the things you need to do to move forward.




    #4 What Does Being Angry at Them Do?

    Sure, you can be angry at them.

    But seriously, what’s the point?

    Is it going to change anything?

    I guarantee being angry doesn’t make the situation better.  It doesn’t make you feel better.

    It’s not going to erase time and make you go back to being a kid.  This isn’t a movie starring Zac Efron.

    So stop being angry.

    Use the other things I listed to understand your parents better.

    Doing that will make you free.  Free from resentment, anger, and anything you have holding you back.

    You have unlimited potential to learn about the skills you feel you lack and have an amazing life.

     

    Go Be Amazing

    This is your life.

    You have control.

    Embrace the things your parents taught you, good and bad, because it made you the person you are today.

    You have the ability to learn new skills they didn’t teach you. You have the ability to understand your parents.

    So the only thing that is holding you back now is YOU.

    Not your parents.

    So stop blaming your parents and go be amazing.

     

     

    Author’s Additional Notes: 

    Please note, showing gratitude or being thankful was not mentioned in this article.  By using the careful wording “Blame them for the good too”, is simply looking at the bigger picture you may not have considered before in your anger. Seek to understand how they may have contributed to the good parts of your personality, or the fact you are ALIVE because they didn’t completely neglect you as a baby. It’s a practice to help you balance out the hate and anger to give YOURSELF peace and make forgiveness easier.  Whether you want to show gratitude for it or not is up to you, although I do encourage it to free yourself from the negative emotions.  

    It’s not easy to forgive, but we must remember, forgiveness is a process and is important for US to heal and feel peace.  Forgiveness is never about the person who wronged you. It’s not about condoning someone’s actions.  It’s about YOU.  

     It’s okay to be angry, but it is not okay to live there, because you will carry it with you in every interaction you have and every relationship you try to have, even if you don’t think you do.

    The first step to help most to heal is to understand the situation and look at how to move forward.  This article gives the first steps to look at things from a different perspective and understand that once you are an adult, YOU can take your power back by learning the skills you lack or seeking treatment, and using your story to keep you down is not going to hurt anyone but you. 

     

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    Comments

    1. Asdaq says

      “Your parents loved you and sheltered you, but never taught you independence? Sure, you may have problems with stable employment and money, but you certainly feel secure in knowing someone will always be there for you, which is something a lot of people don’t have.”

      I get what you’re saying. But it’s not easy living in constant self-doubt and not having the confidence to try things out and fail. I get complacent with pushing myself hard because “someone will always be there for me.” It’s pretty clear that in my 20s I never really built or achieved anything for myself. I’ve watched my peers who didn’t have that much coddling and I can see they are in a way more happier place since they just know that “they can do it.” They just “get it” while I don’t really “get it” because there’s that false sense of security that “someone will always be there for me.” Then opportunity blown away. I feel like giving up on my life if using “gratitude” in that way to blind yourself to the reality that they have done you a disservice even if their intentions might be “good.” I sometimes find that “be grateful” to be a tactic of denial to be honest.

      I wish confidence in life and coddling in life go hand in hand but they don’t. They make you weak and pathetic.

      • Ashly says

        I can understand where you are coming from, because I felt that way about my parents (who did the opposite of coddling me). I felt it held me back, until I got older and realized I was holding myself back. You can be honest about how it held you back, but the second you understand how they contributed to your shortfalls is the second you have the power to go out and learn how to fill that gap and learn how to do the things you weren’t taught. Speaking as someone whose parents didn’t coddle them, most of us do not “get it”. It may seem that way to the outside world, but nobody has anything figured out. Blaming them for the good things too isn’t a disservice or being dishonest, it’s the best way to heal. It’s up to you on whether you want to be thankful for those things. Ultimately, you have a choice: You can either live your life blaming your upbringing for who you are, hate your parents for not being good enough, and let it hold you back; or you can recognize your parents weren’t perfect, that you are an adult and you can now learn the things you lack to live a happier life.

    2. Marie says

      I stumbled across this article on Pinterest and clicked it thinking it must be clickbait, and am absolutely horrified to see that it isn’t and you were actually serious when you wrote this. Comparing your childhood which “wasn’t sunshine and roses” with people who may have been SERIOUSLY ABUSED is appalling at best and negligent and reckless at worst. Childhood trauma can have serious adverse long term damage, both mental and physical. I encourage you to research more into ACE’s and CPTSD before writing something so truly ignorant like this ever again. Yes, you are right that it is absolutely ultimately up to an individual to break the cycle of abuse. You are 100% wrong that people who were ABUSED by their PARENTS have anything to thank them for, let alone have some sort of obligation to forgive them. I’m pretty sure no one asked to be born and then treated terribly for it, so survivors of trauma have absolutely every right to be angry about what they experienced and it isn’t up to you to tell them otherwise. If you were actually informed about what you were writing about, you would know that tapping into anger and aiming it at the correct source is essential for many to heal and move forward, rather than internalizing it towards themselves.

      • admin says

        I can see this article upset you and that is unfortunate that it wasn’t able to help you in the way it was intended. In response to my abuse, and after getting my Psychology degree, I decided to take responsibility for how my life was going to play out and not be a victim of circumstances that happened in my past any longer. I worked through my PTSD and depression issues and now know I control my life, not my past. I am able to see how I wanted to raise my future kids and how I didn’t, and I could thank my parents for that and forgive them because I couldn’t really move on until I did that. You seem like you chose a different path and I sincerely hope the path you chose to deal with your childhood works out for you and you have an amazing life.

        • Rose says

          I normally don’t reply to comments but the lady’s comment above invoked the need to respond. I think your article was not only articulate and relatable but absolute truth. I think it’s clear that someone suffering from unforgiveness/ anger/ resentment would comment in such a combative way. Coming from someone who has experienced all types of abuse (verbal, emotional, physical and sexual), I can attest that forgiveness is NOT for the offender. Forgiveness is for ourselves. A powerful quote I’ve heard says “unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”. I pray that lady doesn’t drink the poison any longer. But anyway, keep up the great work… I love your wisdom and writing style.

          • Ashly says

            Thank you so much! I really appreciate you taking the time to comment! I completely agree with everything you said. We need forgiveness so we can feel at peace, otherwise the anger and resentment will carry with us to other areas of our lives that don’t deserve it.

    3. Ntombi says

      I saw the title of this post and something in me wanted to skip it before even reading… And that’s how I knew I had to read it 🙈😅

      As I was reading I couldn’t help but remember a saying that goes “The wound may not be your fault, but healing is your responsibility”

      And as we learn how to be and do better, we have the power to “Break the cycle”.

      Thanks for scribing such a timely piece❤️

    4. Darlene says

      Great post! I think there comes a time in your life when you realize they did the best job they knew how at the time. Love them for who they are and for giving you life 💖

    5. Sarah Styf says

      I guess I could say that I am who I am because and despite my parents. I love my parents. They are good people, but like all parents they weren’t perfect. And while I still carry a lot of emotional scars the reality is I had to take charge and lead my own life, which is what I did (sometimes much to their chagrin 😉).

      • admin says

        That’s great you took charge of your life and don’t let it hold you back! It’s very freeing to know you are in control. I’m sure you sill become very successful (if you aren’t already) because of it. Thank you for taking the time to comment!

    6. Matt says

      I absolutely love this. Anyone can play the victim card and blame others for their misfortune, but it’s what you do with that information that sets you apart from everyone else. Your positive mindset will help get you through the hard times. I also think it’s important to acknowledge the struggles. Maybe call your parents and ask them why they did what they did and why they didn’t do anything else. It will help lift the burden.

      • admin says

        Yes! Exactly right. It’s what you do with the information! That is a fantastic idea to call your parents and just ask. Because people usually have a reason for doing things, so they could have a valid explanation for it that will help their kid be able to see from their point of view.

    7. Hazel Salcedo says

      Aww i feel guilty of doing this before to my parents. Glad I realized how terrible that was… but I guess teenage hormones can get the best out of us before. 😀

      • admin says

        No need to feel guilty! We have all done it at some point! It’s how you move forward that matters. 🙂 Thank you for taking the time to comment!

    8. Rachel says

      Thank you for this. What amazing words and advice friend. I loved the last, “go be amazing” despite what happened in your past. Thanks again!

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